The Irony of a Single Parent

For decades, single parenthood has been unfairly associated with betrayal, dishonesty, infidelity, bad marriages, death and more. I can’t even pen down every reason here because the world is vast, and people are countless. The reasons for a couple to part ways are beyond
imagination.

We are familiar with the typical saas-bahu dramas, extravagant multi-millionaire weddings portrayed in Karan Johar movies, and excessive sweetness in Sooraj Barjatya’s films. However, these mediums often fail to depict the full complexity and myriad reasons a marriage deteriorates. I interact with so many people who are now single parents around the globe to help them introspect and work on themselves after being single; I have concluded that children not only suffer the time when the fiasco is going on, but they also become the first-hand bearers for all mental and emotional outbursts of their parent.

Why do we always say, “He is a trauma child?” or “His/her childhood was bad” or ‘As a child, he/ she has been through too much”, and then justify their actions (good or bad)?
For a second, let’s think of the parent. Don’t they suffer from anxiety, pain, angst, trauma, fear, disgust at life and more? As a single parent, imagine fighting your demons inside, managing the expectations of society, working for a livelihood and, most importantly, trying every single minute to help your child recover from the loss.

I have been through the same fears, judgments, struggles, arguments, sleeping on a wet pillow, not sleeping for days together, running out of the house, sitting on a roadside pavement, and surviving on smoke and alcohol to forget everything around.
Many of you may be able to relate to this while reading. But let me share how I feel today and celebrate this every day.

No one has romanticised single parenthood more than me. The beauty of being single-handedly responsible, accountable and answerable is beyond immense. It’s as if a solo artist is dancing on stage. The entire stage is yours, and you can cover the stage if you want or remain in the centre and perform. The way you want to raise them (I am not commenting on good or bad), the way you want them to talk to you, baby them and provide for them, be vulnerable in front of them or simply get rid of “household” rules sometimes and break free into a jig whenever you wish.

While it’s of utmost importance to look after the child, especially after separation, it is also essential for the single parent to regain their beliefs, confidence and faith in themselves. Whichever life stage you are at when you experience separation, believe me-

“Your children will evolve
You will evolve, too.”

Imagine your children wanting to go out, have fun with you, and spend some time at the nearby amusement park. As a parent, you believe this is a great way to relieve the pain and find some new family time together. However, you end up feeling exhausted and drained, not because your children are giving you a hard time but because you do not want to smile or laugh and do not enjoy the place. You have to behave a certain way to assure your kid that everything is getting back to normalcy.
However, many of us won’t acknowledge it; many of us, as they read this, will be like

– “What’s wrong with this lady?”
– “Doesn’t she love her kids?”
– “She should give priority to her children, especially after divorce.”

I do not want to get back at anyone or anything. I am sharing what I experienced and what I practised. I was never fit for a stereotypical motherly role. I cannot bear confinement, be it mental or emotional. I also let my children experience the same. They are free to think whatever and believe whatever they are convinced of.

Also Read: How To Be Happy Alone Without Being Lonely?

A beautiful line from the movie ‘The Sky is Pink” comes immediately to my mind:
“Tumhare Sky ka colour koi aur nahi decide Kar sakta. I have coloured my own sky, and you can too.”

Sure, here is the rewritten text:
Yes, this is my daily affirmation with my children. Being honest and staying true to my personality has really helped me grow and strengthen my connection with them. Knowing their parents inside out is equally important for children as it is for parents to know their children.

When you start talking honestly with your kids and tell them your choices and preferences, it helps establish a stronger bond, and the relationship becomes healthier. No one in this world should be changing themselves for someone(even if it’s your children). The better way is to start telling them your likes and dislikes. Remember, you are building a new relationship as the dynamics change. You must start it with mutual understanding, quality time investment, communication and, most importantly, respect.

Today, as I write this, I am in a zone where my children know and respect that their mother is also evolving, and she needs that space.

I must say that I have the most special daughters, Suhani and Naisha, who inspire and motivate me to pursue my dreams.